LOVELY IN WHITE

I pulled into the single entry/exit of the apartment complex prior to dusk. It was one of the nicer complexes in our territory inhabited mostly by young professionals. Having been in this complex a number of times, I had a better than rough idea of where this particular building was amongst the cluster of similar pods. I parked the whitish chevy(it doesn't deserve any capitalization) directly in front of the building and knocked on the appropriate, ground floor(thank you Lord) door. No answer, I knocked again. Still no answer and again. Finally, after approximately 1 minute, the door slowly opened to reveal a man(?) who, from my best estimate, was in his mid-forties. He was wearing, what appeared to be a woman's wig, in a page boy style, if I'm not mistaken. It was nicely frosted and styled but in his haste to get to the door, had it slightly cocked on his head. The angle of the hairpiece had the effect of making his face seem slightly out of kilter. In addition to the hair, he wore little else except a pair of grey pants that he may have borrowed from The Hulk. They were unbelted and unbuttoned at the waist, only covered his legs to mid-calf and the legs were jaggedly frayed at the ends. His unique look was completed by the fact that he was covered, head to toe, in what appeared to be white powder makeup. Now, keeping in mind I am nothing, if not a fashion maven(http://jobesnotjobs.blogspot.com/2005/09/slaves-to-fashion-all-right-i-cant.html, I was even stunned. After a few awkward moments and attempts not to stare, I told him how much he owed for the pizza and waited for him to get the money, so I could get the heck out of there. He just stood there. I repeated the amount again, when I realized that he spoke no English at all. I tried again in halting Spanish and even considered pig Latin(eezzapay). Nothing, not even a look of faint recognition, just a Homer Simpson-like stare.Finally, I guess it dawned upon him that I wasn't going to be speaking in his native tongue, whatever that was, anytime soon and he began babbling frantically and waiving his arms. I was finally able to discern that Jenny(apparently the pizza orderer) was gone and would return in 15 minutes and that this gentleman(?) couldn't speak either English or Earthling, possibly both. I did my best to communicate that I couldn't wait and that if Jenny wanted another pizza, she would have to call in and order it. I had to go to my next delivery or those earthlings would be receiving a cold pizza.

• POSTSCRIPT-I was just about to stop at my next delivery when my cell phone rang. It was the pizza store's assistant manager. She asked if I had made the delivery to "Jenny's" apartment and I told her the story. She said that she had received a phone call from Jenny and that she was very upset. Apparently, Jenny was pushing for some type of compensation because I had never showed up at her apartment. The manager asked if I would give Jenny a call. As soon as she answered, Jenny lit into me about being late, no showing, etc. I said, "I am sorry Mam but I was there over 15 minutes ago." She stated how that was impossible because she had been standing at the entrance to her complex, walking her chihuahua, Frito, for the last 20 minutes. "Mam, I don't know how you missed the whitish chevy with the glowing car topper on it but I was there." "That's a lie and I should be compensated", she yelled. "Really? What about the foreign guy with the patch frosted page boy, Hulk pants and white full body make up, in your apartment," I asked? She was silent for a beat, swore and then the line went dead. I pulled up in front of the house for my next delivery.